I am going to attempt to outline some basic "rules" if you want to enjoy yourself, but really, if you're looking to me for life advice you probably need more help then this blog.
1. Judge Not Lest He Be Judged
Honestly, people who frequent dives do so to avoid being harassed, judged or gawked at. Don't go to a dirty dive bar and expect anything more then just that... no fancy drinks, no fancy outfits, and no looking down on anyone here. We come here a lot, clearly, you don't.... so play nicely.
2. Cigarettes and You
most dives near and dear to our hearts allow smoking in them, or at least have proper accommodations for smokers on a porch or patio. As the awesome dive bar goer you are, you remembered to BRING YOUR OWN CIGARETTES, RIGHT!? Hey even if you didn't most bars sell cigarettes there.... this means that there is no reason that you need to bum a smoke from anyone.
Cigarettes, to some dive bar frequenters, are worth their weight in paper money, and, when in a bind, they will smoke paper money.- Annie Scott
Hey we've all been there, so you find you must ask someone for a cigarette
|Don't be this guy|
DO: ask nicely, possibly offer a quarter... most people will decline to accept it but it's a nice gesture.
DO NOT: complain about the brand/type of cigarette after accepting it, take someone's last cigarette, bum one for you and one for your friend, ask the same person more then once for a cigarette (seriously you're clearly going to be smoking more at that point, go buy a pack!), and this is just a personal annoyance of mine, but for the love of Danzig don't ask for a cigarette from me then talk shit about smoking and how terrible it is and that you really shouldn't be doing this to yourself... honestly, that cigarette would have been loved and appreciated by a non-self-loathing smoker like myself.
3. This Is Not A Drunk Tank
|vomiting is ok as long as you clean up|
Let me get this straight, every NICE bar you usually go to threw you out because you were too wasted... so you decided that you still needed to drink more!? Fine. So you stumbled into a sleazy bar and figured they'd still serve you... yeah you're probably right. HOWEVER, you are clearly a drunk douche nozzle and the one thing that dives are typically ok with is a bit of violence. If you are clearly ready-to-piss-yourself drunk and come to a dive bar and act up the chances of you getting out of there without getting in a fight are slim.
This is still a business, and you still have to show some (although not much) restraint. Sure, the big scary looking dude at the end of the bar is actually falling off his stool he's so drunk, but that's Bubba, and he's here every night and we love him.... you are a stranger.
NOTE: it's ok to puke in the bathroom. we're used to it. clean up after yourself though.
See, that's it... just three itty bitty common sense rules. Don't be a jerk, don't bother us, and don't act like a jersey bro. Following these three easy steps will turn you from an outsider to a welcomed member of our alcoholic family.... but you will have to drive Bubba home sometimes, we all take turns.